Asking Eric: Affair ruined a friend group, now cheater wants back in

Dear Eric My hubby and I are in our late s Starting in our s we had a large group of friends with whom we spent multiple fun weekends together It was so much fun and we all treasure those days All wonderful people or so we thought A minimal years ago it came out that one of our dearest friends had an affair with another dear friend s wife for seven years while we were all getting together all those numerous times The shock of this was unbelievable The cheated-on husband was devastated has since divorced and moved hours away He s had no contact with the cheating wife same as the rest of us The affair was or years ago now We ve all aged and people have moved away wellness issues have prevented much socializing and getting together is almost nonexistent with any of us None of us has seen or heard from the other adulterer or his wife But the cheater came over the preceding day spur of the moment My hubby revealed yes to a quick visit thinking he had something pivotal to tell us I was not home After a short awkward visit the cheater pleaded his development to my hubby He revealed it was all half a lifetime ago and that after the affair ended he had tried to be a great friend to the cheated-on friend weird He disclosed that he and his wife have zero friends I m sure he craved to rekindle the friendship with my husband They were very close My hubby disclosed he didn t know if that was accomplishable and the cheater left in tears We feel horrible I can feel the cheater s pain Are we wrong to not rekindle this friendship Seems like a betrayal although we aren t in touch much with the cheated-on guy We feel like judge and jury though and know that forgiveness and compassion are good things Past Rewritten Dear Past Your loyalty to your friend who was cheated on is commendable it makes sense But in answering your question I d like to focus on a different relationship that between you and the friend who came to visit in recent times Because that s also a relationship that has been damaged by his actions and that s in the present the only one that you have the power to fix His actions and the actions of the woman with whom he cheated not only hurt their spouses but they created a fissure in your friend group So if he can acknowledge that and work to repair the bond between himself and you and your husband there may be chosen hope He doesn t get to come waltzing back into your life entirely because he s in a tough spot emotionally You don t owe him companionship But if you and your husband are open to it and he s able to work on making amends you should pursue it There s so much damage in the past that I don t think it s a betrayal of your loyalty to your other friend Rekindling this friendship won t impact him so you can step down from the judicial bench and put down the gavel This will allow you to see your friend as human and like us all flawed Dear Eric While I agree with your response to Concerned Parent whose comments kept offending their daughter you may have forgotten that the daughter is a millennial And millennials are universally offended by any criticism From anyone especially a parent While a friend may appreciate the gentle reminder that a requirement is definitely mathematics a millennial will take that information as an insult As the parent of a -year-old I try to ask myself did they ASK before I offer advice Millennial Mom Dear Mom Universally Not to prove my geriatric millennial bona fides but I have to push back on this a little bit I think there s two aspects of this letter that deserve to be lifted up First generational generalizations don t really serve anyone Per U S Census Bureau information there are more than million millennials in the United States A millennial is defined as someone born between and Now it may feel like million people can t take criticism but is that really true I don t think any generation zoomers boomers and all the rest wants to be defined by negative characteristics These kinds of generalities can help inform a values context and perhaps lead to curiosity but they don t really work as psychological diagnoses However I love the way you end the letter Did they ask is a fantastic self-check-in for anyone of any age who is about to offer unsolicited advice Sometimes in conversation I ll even ask the person Are you asking for advice or do you just need to be heard Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com