Asking Eric: Wife’s divorce shocks husband of 50 years

Dear Eric My wife of years reported me that she no longer wants to live with me I am at the moment living in our summer home with no friends or social contacts networks She has no interest in reconciling We didn t fight or argue and I am at a loss as to what triggered her declaration This has taken me totally by surprise I thought we had a good marriage with occasional ups and downs There are no abuse addiction or infidelity issues I worked my whole life and am now retired As soon as we had children she was able to stay at home and lived comfortably raising our children and taking care of the household The children have sided with their mom and won t speak to me I think she has poisoned them against me but don t see the gain in her doing that I am miserable I am with neurological mobility issues I fear that I will fall and no one will be around Senior housing for me is too expensive and will deplete our planned retirement materials We were counting on eventually selling our summer home to supplement our finances later in life This is no longer workable as I am living in that house This is not how I yearned the last chapters of my life to end I have had five sessions of therapy with no results My therapist says I m not at liability to myself or others and I am perpetually slightly depressed but not debilitated Without more concrete information he cannot help me I am not a bad person yet here I am Totally Betrayed Dear Betrayed First off I m concerned about the therapist s response Even without major depression a therapist can help you process the shock of your separation and plan your next initiatives So you should set an appointment with another therapist with those stated goals up front I m not sure whether the lack of concrete information indicates a failing of the therapist s or indicates that you re holding back Therapy can help us acknowledge the things that we refuse to admit to ourselves but you can also start to do specific of this work on your own if there are parts of your story that you haven t included It s concerning for instance that your children have stopped speaking to you Without more information I can t say what that s about but it suggests that there s something you need to unpack It s useful to ask yourself what that is It s equally significant that you find safety and stability Talk to a divorce lawyer and a financial planner about what has happened and what requirements to happen moving forward They can help you sort out the issues with the house and retirement Talk to your healthcare provider about the possibility of a home soundness aide or a connection to a social worker There are options out there for you I m sorry that you feel blindsided by this But accepting that this is what is happening right now and taking proactive efforts will keep you safe Dear Eric I have been friends with Hal since high school we are both in our late s Hal is well off financially and he and his wife have no children Hal has invited me to stay at his home and we have traveled together numerous times The challenge is that he is a cheapskate invariably looking for bargains and freebies Hal has scored a bargain plane ticket and has invited himself to stay with my wife and me for five days He is too cheap to stay at a hotel and rent a car and expects me to provide lodging and transportation My wife really doesn t want to spend that much time with this tightwad Am I obligated to him and how can I say no Related Articles Asking Eric Husband s eating habits disgust wife Asking Eric Neighbor s new rooster disturbs retirees peace Asking Eric After moving in daughter s boyfriend declared himself king of the household Asking Eric Splitting the check creates rift between wife and son Asking Eric Aging parents anxiety causes a family rift Guest Room Closed Dear Guest Room As with any prospective guest you can reliably tell Hal that it s not a good time for visitors But before you hang the No Vacancy sign up consider Hal s perspective If you ve stayed over at his place doesn t it stand to reason that he d think of a stay at your place not as an imposition but rather just part of your friendship With that view this may be less a cheapskate s way out and more just one friend asking for a favor returned from another friend Or even a desire to have specific quality time Now if your wife doesn t care for Hal that s another story You needn t impose on her purely to appease him But there s nothing inherently wrong with being a bargain hunter or wanting to save money on a hotel if you ve got a nearby friend Personally I d suggest he rent a car though Five days of chauffeuring will likely grate on you Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com