Asking Eric: Friends disrupt concert outings by talking

Dear Eric We go to a lot of concerts and sporting events and I want to watch and or listen However so often others just want to talk I need a polite way to ask them to leave me alone so I can watch and enjoy the event Any ideas Here for the Band Dear Band It s possibly easiest to address this beforehand If you re going with a group or even with a friend or two tell them in advance I m really excited about this event I know sometimes the group can get into conversation at things like this But I like to focus So don t think I m being rude if I don t participate What you re looking to do is just reset an expectation It sounds like the people you go with expect concerts and sporting events to be opportunities for social connection And for a lot of people that s what they are But you re not alone in wanting to pay attention only to what s happening on stage or on the field Your friends may not notice this or may think that you can easily switch from watching mode to conversation mode So cluing them in about this part of you will help them and you If they slip up and try to engage you offer a reminder Remember I m really into the concert But don t let me stop you from having fun I ll catch up on the conversation afterward And I ll catch you up on the set list Dear Eric I am married to a wonderful woman who is a fixer of things It s not either of our first marriages and we have a large blended family of adult children specific with spouses and children that generally gets along well One of her kids brought up the idea of a family beach vacation There is a group chat with her children that I have not seen but when my wife was talking to one of the kids it became apparent that the group isn t going to invite my children At first I thought this was a predicament but the more I think about it I believe it s a bit of nostalgia for their childhood trips that also acknowledges there are more people now involved by bringing spouses and children but still feeling like it s their core sibling group I think my issue is with my wife She received this news as a slight and presented it to me that way which originally led me down that path She then offered her ideas to mitigate the issue which also reinforced the idea of a slight Her idea is to have a separate trip with my kids and maybe invite particular other family as well The more I think about it a separate trip would seem to reinforce the idea of a rift I believe she is trying to insert herself and make an issue where I don t think there is one How do I get her to allow me to think through this issue or future issues without offering means to fix it Or am I just trying to keep the peace by not pushing for my kids to be included Slightly Confused Dad Dear Dad Sometimes fixers see a mess far down the path and they rush ahead broom in hand to try to get it cleaned up before anyone else reaches it But what they fail to understand is that what may seem like a mess from afar can be just fine by the time you reach it Or might never have been a mess to begin with She s trying to manage your feelings and those of your kids when she would be more productive asking you your feelings and then listening to them Related Articles Asking Eric Human conflict erupts at dog park Asking Eric Single mom wants to start relationship with handyman Asking Eric Grandmother wants invites to grown grandchildren s birthday celebrations Asking Eric Boyfriend s daughters refuse to meet new girlfriend Asking Eric Husband s loud trilling taxes marriage People who are fixers often think that everyone else s emotions are their responsibility This can be a real challenge But in turn it s not your responsibility to fix this for her Instead tell her clearly what you re feeling I don t see this as a concern and I would strongly prefer that we stay out of it It s kind of you to think of my kids but this fix is creating tension for me and I believe it will cast your kids trip in a light that does more harm than good Then ask her if she can respect the way you feel Respect opens up a lot of doors You then can ask her to say more about how she feels and tell her that you respect that as well All your children are adults and adults should be entrusted with managing their own feelings and having conversations when those feelings are hurt this doesn t reliably happen but it s workable Ask her to compromise by letting your children handle this on their own If they need her to fix it they ll ask Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com