Asking Eric: Friend always demands rides with no repayment

Dear Eric My friend who lives in the same apartment building doesn t drive She insists I take her shopping or to other places She knows I don t like to drive especially when she doesn t give me gas money I keep telling her to ask other people for a backup I m ready to just say no greater part times She ll never get mad at me Should I just say no No Guilt Dear No Guilt Yes I notice that you say your friend insists rather than asks That s a dilemma It seems she s treating you like her personal taxi rather than a friend helping her out Have a calm but firm conversation with her in which you tell her that you need to find other solutions for getting her to the store and to other errands If you want you can help her brainstorm Perhaps there are other friends or relatives perhaps she can make use of a grocery delivery amenity perhaps she can use citizens transportation if available in your area Doing kind things for friends can be mutually beneficial We don t reliably need payment as thanks But when these generous acts don t come with mutual respect they can turn into resentments Better to be honest with your friend about what you can and can t do than to jeopardy the friendship Dear Eric My wife and I have been married for about years We both love each other very much but it has been rocky the entire time We tried going to counseling a sparse times but she announced she felt picked on and walked out in the middle of a session One evening years ago while on a family vacation she announced that there was a work event going on at a bar she needed to attend She was sharing her location with me from her phone I casually looked and it appeared that she was at the apartment of a former work friend John nowhere near the bar For years she had been pulling away from me She would sleep on the couch if I tried to kiss her she would turn and give me her cheek We tried to work through this and I petitioned her to go back to counseling but she refused Lately I figured out the password on her phone and read the messages between her and John It looked like they have been regularly meeting up even though she says they haven t It even looked like they went to a musical together once and went walking by the beach together frequently The text messages look like friends chatting not romantic She swears that she never met this guy outside of a group of friends though she is unwilling to show me proof She says she went to the musical by herself for example even though she bought two tickets and texted John that she would see him at the show She announced she sold the two tickets and bought a single ticket and went on a different day She says she loves me and that the real issue is my snooping around We are at an impasse and this has escalated to talk of divorce But that is not what I want If I believe her without seeing the proof am I being na ve Am I in the wrong for snooping on her phone Or is she really good at lying to my face Confused Dear Confused A couple of things are happening here The snooping was wrong it s an invasion of her privacy and you owe her an apology for that At the same time I m left wondering what version of your marriage you re trying to get back Related Articles Asking Eric Nice neighbors dog barks all day and night Asking Eric After illness social butterfly feels left out Asking Eric Mother worries that her past traumas caused daughter s body image issues Asking Eric Grandparent is barred from even speaking son s name Asking Eric Wheelchair user gets no sympathy from caregiver Putting aside the John of it all the larger issue for you seems to be the lack of affection and communication The snooping may be your way of trying to figure out the source of the trouble But it s not going to be detected externally It s between you and your wife You owe each other a conversation about what you think this marriage is how each of you knows it s working or not working and what you both need from the union There s a reason that you re both staying I don t know that it s a healthy reason but from your actions neither of you seems to want to separate Why else would she use excuses that seem implausible instead of just telling you that she went to a show with John But this is not working as it is If you can t have an honest conversation without surveillance or subterfuge it will be hard to move forward So ask yourself and ask her why are we doing this Then ask how can we make a good faith effort to do it better Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com